Birthday Bang
by awesomeinhumanfrom
Summary: It's Deidara's birthday! He wants to relax and kick back, but the rest of the Akatsuki have other plans on how to spend his birthday.
1. Chapter 1

Please review! Comment if you want this to continue. thanks!

Birthday Bang

Chapter 1

I pulled myself halfway out of the bed before I fell back in it. Not worth it. The floor looked cold today. Of course, it looked cold everyday. It was beyond me how carpet could be cold, but this floor somehow managed to do it. Just blew my mind away. Speaking of blowing stuff away, where was Tobi? He would normally be here by now to irritate me. So where was the little pain in the butt?

"Maybe he's finally curled up and died." I smirked as I said it, praying it was a possibility. Of course, I would've liked the honor of killing him, but as long as he was dead and it had been painful I could rest peacefully. I closed my eyes and adjusted myself in the bed. Please give me dreams of Konan in a bunny suit and Tobi being blown up. Those were the best kind of dreams, and it was my b-day, after all. Just as sleep was finally managing to curl around me again, I was woken up in the worst way imaginable. Someone big sat firmly on top of me. As I squirmed to escape, another person grabbed my legs.

"Happy Birthday Sempai! Guess what! The whole Akatsuki is here to celebrate!" Tobi's lollipop mask sank too closely down to my face and I screamed.

"Please let this be a nightmare, please let this be a nightmare, please let this be a nightmare." I chanted over and over again. Suddenly, the worst sensation ever crawled through my arm. I screamed in pain and disgust and lurched free. My left hand's mouth was covered in cake crumbs. Someone had fed it! I screamed again and tried to pull the cake out of it, prying desperately at its mouth. The cake couldn't go into my arm, who knows what would happen? It wasnt connected to my digestive system! I shook my arm in a panicked attempt to get it to spit up the cake, but, per usual, it refused to go along with what I wanted. After a while of panicked struggle, the mouth opened up and spat something out. A battered bit of cake fell to the floor, shaped into a bird. I ignored the groans of disgust throughout the room, instead shuddering in trauma. Konan was on the floor in an instant. She picked up the slobbery chunk of cake with a paper towel and sprayed the carpet with some cleaning product. I turned to the group of S rank criminals, hatred in my eyes as I rubbed my arm.

"Who's idea was it to feed my arm cake?!" I spat at them, my panic quickly turning to fury.

"Mine, Sempai. I thought it would be funny." Tobi whimpered from the other side of the room. In that moment I lost it.

"DIE TOBI! THAT WOULD BE THE BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT YOU COULD GIVE ME! JUST HOLD STILL AND DIE!" I chased him around the room, my hands itching to wrap around his throat.I heard dry laughter from the other side of the room. It was Hidan's.

'Wow! This is f***ing hilarious! We need to shove more food down that skinny b*****'s weird- $$ hand-mouth!" He said, elbowing the person closest to him. That person happened to be Itachi, who simply glared back in return, completely unamused.

"Time is money and we're wasting time here." Kakuzu mumbled. His impatience reminded me of Sasori, whom I missed deeply as I chased my soon-to-be-dead partner around the room.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Stop, Deidara! Calm down right now." Pein growled, his voice strained. The look on his face expressed that he was not in the mood for horse-play.

"Why do I get in trouble, un? It's my birthday!" I complained, partially instinctively. When you have three mouths it's hard to keep them all shut. Well, four mouths to be exact. But the look Pein gave me next was enough to shut all four of my mouths. Temporarily.

"You will listen to me, whether it's your birthday or not. Now, Tobi has plans for your birthday that he says you will enjoy. We all worked hard to set this up, so you will be appreciative." Pein growled the last part and death dripped off of his words. My response was a gulp under his heavy stare, and I was reminded of the one time he got angry at an informant. Shivers ran down my spine as I remembered why no one used the blender anymore.

"Yes sir." I squeaked. He didn't say another word, instead stepping aside and letting Tobi bounce into the place where he had been looming over me.

"Sempai! I have the best day ever planned for you!" Before I could say 'what' Tobi immediately began blabbering off again. "Follow me! This is your first surprise, Sempai!" He grabbed my still-traumatized left hand like a steel trap and began dragging me out of the room. I narrowed my eyes with distrust as the rest of the Akatsuki began trailing after us. I deftly noted that we were heading towards the training room. What kind of surprise could Tobi have set up in there? He slammed the door open to present a huge volleyball court. Confusion ran through me, but before I could question Tobi's sanity the little brat spoke again.

"Surprise! Aren't you happy, Sempai!? Tobi saw how much you watched volleyball, and set up a volleyball court just for you!" Tobi jumped to hug me and I held out my arm to block him. Volleyball? Okay, sure. I watched volleyball. A lot. But I didn't watch it for the game, I didn't even really know how the game went. All I knew was spandex! Speaking of which, maybe Konan would be wearing some spandex. I turned around to search through the group behind me for Konan, but Tobi hadgrabbed me again. He yanked me backwards and I stumbled before I ungracefully caught myself. Once more, Hidan was laughing.

"Did you see that clumsy- $$ f***er fall?" He laughed some more, and elbowed Kisame who was laughing at me too. That was it. If I had some clay there would be a birthday bang in my honor.

"Sempais! Hurry! It's Deidara-Sempai's birthday volleyball game!" Tobi let go of me, thankfully, and attacked the rest of them, herding them onto the volleyball court.

"Hn." Itachi's eyes were narrowed and hatred burned through me. Worthless Uchiha.

"I know what you mean." Kisame said back to Itachi. "But at least none of the guys are wearing spandex." I raised an eyebrow at that; what were the talking about? I silently wished I spoke the language of 'hn', but only Kisame could understand it. It was futile. Suddenly, I was whirled around by Tobi. He had a firm grip that I couldn't wrench off of my shoulders, no matter how hard I tried to peel his fingers off of me.

"Let's pick teams!" He shouted in a shrill squeal that made me wince. This was going to be a long day.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Picking teams turned out to be the longest, most boring event the Akatsuki had taken part in. Mostly because everyone had people they refused to be with. Everyone bickered continuously until Pein was forced to step in.

"Alright everyone, listen up!" Everyone was immediately silent as Pein's challenging glare swept the room. "These are the teams: Deidara, Tobi, Konan and I on the right side. Kisame, Hidan, Itachi, and Kakuzu on the left side. Zetsu will ref."He stood quietly for a moment, daring someone to protest. The look in his eyes expressed that he was eager for bloodshed. The missions this past month had failed, mountains of paperwork awaited him on his desk, and he hadn't killed anyone since last month. All these elements came together to form a bloodthirsty man who happened to have rinnegan. Needless to say, no one challenged him. He looked almost disappointed as he handed Zetsu the referee whistle. Zetsu, to no one's surprise, immediately ate the whistle. He then walked away from the volleyball court, heading towards the only dark corner in the room. He stood in that corner, his eyes glinting hungrily as he mumbled to himself.

"Okay then...I guess we just play."Konan said after a moment of everyone awkwardly staring at the creepy weirdness that was Zetsu.

"Hey, b****! Why don't you have f***ing spandex on? This is f***ing volleyball, put some f***ing spandex on your b****-a$$." Hidan yelled shamelessly. I quietly hoped that Konan would put some spandex on, but the look on Pein's face suggested that he would far rather cut off of Hidan's foot and then force him to eat it. Luckily for Hidan, Konan reacted before Pein had a chance to.

"I don't like spandex, they're too tight." Konan replied, brushing a lock of shiny blue hair out of her auburn eyes.

"You should wear them, they'd look good on you." Kisame hinted, hoping that Konan would wear them to feel pretty or something. Itachi's face curled in a creepy smile. Uchihas should not smile, it was against the laws of nature.

"Hn." Kisame's face fell and he looked angry.

"Shut up, you weasel. I am not."

"Hn."

"One day you're going to get what's coming to you and I'll be there."

"Hn." Kisame went silent at that, glaring at Itachi. He turned to Pein.

"Can I switch teams?" Kisame asked angrily. Pein glared back in response before a smile creeped on his face.

"No." Then he leaned freakishly close to Kisame and whispered in such a low voice I barely heard it. "Suffer." Chills ran down my spin as Pein leaned away from Kisame, pleased with the scared look on Kisame's face. "Now let's play. We have first serve." Pein stared at the other team, once again waiting for someone to contradict him or ask for a coin toss. Once again the room was silent. Then Tobi spoke.

"Yay! Deidara-Sempai should have first serve since it is his birthday!" Tobi pushed a volleyball into my hands and I glared at it.

"How am I supposed to serve? I have mouths on my hands." I growled at him. Tobi stopped to ponder for a moment. Then he jumped in the air as if he had the perfect idea.

"Oh! I know! Deidara-Sempai can just throw the ball over the net!" Tobi grinned at me and I gave him a disgusted look.

"Fine, un." I hissed at him. I studied the other team, picking at target. My lips curled into a smirk when I spotted the Uchiha, looking lost in thought per usual. I aimed the ball, then hurled it over the net towards him as hard as I could. The Uchiha didn't even look at it, he simply took a step to the left. The ball flew out of bounds and towards the dark corner. It rolled out of sight. There was a moment of silence. Then the sound of teeth ripping into something and air leaving the ball quickly.

"Okay, so I guess we can't play anymore." Konan announced as we stood on the court, listening to the sounds of Zetsu feast on our only volleyball.

"What a waste of fifteen bucks." Kakazu snarled, and for once I couldn't agree more.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"So what do we do now, un?" I growled at the group of people surrounding me.

"Hn." I glared at the Uchiha.

"What, hmm?"

"Hn."

"Use your words like a big boy, un."

"Hn." Kisame burt out laughing at that 'hn' and I narrowed my eyes.

"What did he say, un?" Kisame shook his head and kept his mouth firmly clamped shut, causing my eyes to narrow even farther until I was peering out of one little slit.

"What did he say! Un!" I yelled, stomping my foot. "If you don't tell me right now, your death will be my birthday present!" Kisame laughed a little at that, then turned to Itachi.

"Can I tell him?"He mumbled. Itachi nodded.

"Hn."

"He said at least he knows that he is a boy." Kisame laughed and the rest of the Akatsuki snickered, covering their faces with hands that didn't quite hide their laughter. Tobi was the only one that didn't laugh, being too stupid to comprehend the insult.I ignored Tobi's cry of, "What does that mean?" and instead chose to glare at Itachi as I waited for their laughter to stop, silently wishing I had my clay with me. I knew exactly where it was too, underneath the bed with the rest of my junk. Right where I had left it when Konan told me to clean my room. I knew I should've taken it out of its hiding place and set it back on the headboard where it belonged. Then I might not have forgotten it. Konan was the first to stop laughing.

"Guys, lets go eat cake, or something." She said over the snickers, slightly raising her voice despite the fact that she still looked as though she would burst out laughing at any second.

"Hey, blue-b****!" Konan turned to face Hidan.

"Yes?"

"Can you shove your f***ing a$$ in a f***ing bunny-b**** suit and f***ing serve us our f***ing $hit-cake and some f***ing beer? F***ing please!"

"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that." Konan replied before she turned and hurried off towards the kitchen.

"But I f***ing said f***ing please!"

"Come on, all of us are going to the dining room." Pein growled as he walked past all of us. He gave Hidan a particularly menacing look as he passed and whispered something to him that made him gasp and put both hands over his balls. I snickered at that and gave Hidan my best smirk as I walked by. It was nice to have someone else lower on the food chain then you.


	5. Chapter 5

Here it is! Chapter 5 at last! This series is moving so slowly... anyways, please read and review! Thanks!

Chapter 5

The Akatsuki filed in gradually and I thought about running and retrieving my clay. But Pein's freaky purple eyes seemed to never leave me alone long enough for me to temporarily escape and make my birthday explosion a reality. I plopped down lazily at the end of the table and watched the other members of Akatsuki sit at their spots on the table.

"I f***ing want the b**** to f***ing bring the f***ing $hit-cake f***ing faster! Some f***er needs to tell the b****-$hit to f***ing move her fat b****-a$$ quicker!" Pein stood up from the table and Hidan let out a gasp.

"Call her a b**** one more time and I swear I'll do it! H*ll, cuss one more time and I'll do it!" Pein growled in a tone so menacing I wanted to cower under the table.

"Fu-" Pein looked at Hidan threateningly, and he bent into an even more frightening fighting stance. Hidan chose his words carefully. "Fulupatate no! I'll flipping behave. Please don't make me eat my balls." The last part was such a low whimper I had to strain to hear it. Hidan flinched when Pein sat back down. Pein's threat left an awkward, fearful silence hanging over the room. A moment later Konan strolled in from the kitchen, a happy smile painted on her face as she carried a huge cake in front of her. She was completely oblivious to the awkward mood as she set the cake down in front of me. It was chocolate cake with delicate icing that had an artsy look to it. 'Happy B-day Deidara!' was scribbled across the top of it. Konan began the song and it only took one angry look from Pein for the rest of the Akatsuki to join in.

"Happy Birthday to you!" I smiled as they sang it until I heard singing from behind me. I turned in confusion to see Zetsu, barely visible in the corner. He hungrily licked his lips.

"Happy birthday delicious morsel." The black side screeched happily. "We're going to eat you!" I quickly turned around, but what had been seen could not be unseen.

"Just ignore it, just ignore it, just ignore it, un." I muttered to myself as Konan cut the cake.

"Yay! Sempai gets the first piece! Give him the one with all the icing!" Tobi yelled. I turned to lecture him when I heard the click of a camera. I turned back around to see that Kisame had somehow gotten a camera and taken a picture of the whole mess. It was the kind of camera that slid a picture out immediately, and Kisame grabbed the picture as it slid out. His smile turned to a frown when he saw the picture.

"Holy crap!" I yelled and he dropped the picture. He stared into behind me ad I turned around, scared of what I was going to see. All I saw was darkness, of course. Pein picked up the picture and his eyes widened.

"Oh my god..." He mumbled. "Look at this." He flipped it around to show Konan, Tobi, and I sitting at the table. But that wasn't what caught my attention. In the back corner it was all dark except for a fanged, toothy smile. I let out a scream and ran from the corner, Tobi and Konan not far behind me.

"But we want to sample the birthday cake!" Zetsu's freaky canninbalistic voice echoed behind us as we ran. Once the whole Akatsuki was out of the room we slammed the door shut, gasping for air.

"Okay, so who isn't ever going in that room again?" Kismae gasped. Every hand except Kakuzu and Itachi's rose, and everyone looked at them like they were insane.

"I will for fifty dollars." Kakuzu grinned. Suddenly there was a slam against the door followed by a high-pitch scream.

"Help! Help! F***ing open the do-" Hidan's screams were cut off by a squeal of pain. No one moved to the door, instead staying as far back from it as possible.

"Okay, now who's never going in that room again?" This time everyone rose their hands.


	6. Chapter 6

Okay, im sorry that I haven't updated in like, forever. But, please review again and tell me what thou think! It will be coming to a grand finale soon! I promise y'all some fireworks to bring the whole thing to an ending with style ;)

Chapter 6

"Alright, I guess we can go open presents now." Konan said with a shrug. Tobi was a bit more enthusiastic, jumping up and down with a high-pitched squeal.

"Yay! Tobi has the best present ever for Deidara-Sempai! Wait until Deidara-Sempai sees Tobi's present!" And with that Tobi disappeared down the hall, half skipping and half sprinting. I let out a deep sigh of annoyance.

"Do we have to, un?" I groaned as Konan lead me into the living room, which served more as an entertainment center. The Xbox was sprawled messily across the room and Konan didn't even bother trying to clean it, instead choosing to brush it under the table the flatscreen tv sat on.

"I'll be right back, I have to get my gift for you." She said before she hurried off down the hall, no doubt to bring me something I didn't want. I sighed.

"Just being me a beer. I'll be happy, un." I mumbled under my breath, thinking that no one could hear me. Naturally, someone heard me.

"Aren't you underage?" Kisame asked loudly and I glared at him.

"Do I look like I care about laws, hmm?" I growled and he shrugged nonchalantly in return.

"Hn." Kismae held his hand in front of his face in a pathetic attempt to hide his laughter. I scowled at them.

"Just talk with words, un!" I yelled, but before Itachi could respond there was a loud thump that echoed down the hallway. It was followed by a moan of pain and a stream of cuss words and words I didn't even know existed.

"You f***ing f***tards f***ing left me f***ing to die with th-" there was the sick snap of a bone and cry of pain.

"What are you doing, Hidan? Do you know how much this carpet cost! Look at the blood on it! You'll be paying for that, you useless zombie." There was another moan of pain followed by three snaps.

"Fine! You ruthless f***-b****! I'll f***ing pay for it!" There was another yelp of pain. "With f***ing interest!" Was squealed in a pathetic plea for mercy. Kakuzu's pleased voice echoed down the hall.

"Alright. I guess I'll fix you then." There was some unidentifiable sounds that were quickly followed by Hidan's cries.

"Oh, sweet f***ing Jashin, that's good!" There was a snap and a loud cry of pain.

"I can make it hurt if you insist on doing that." There was a small whimper before silence filled the hall.

"Well, I guess Hidan's still with the living." Kisame said before he turned and walked out into the hall, leaving me alone with Itachi.

"So, what present did you get me, un?" I asked and Itachi stared at me boredly.

"Hn."

"Nothing, hmm?" I asked and the Uchiha nodded before he turned away, no longer interested in our conversation. I shrugged.

"Whatever, un." I mumbled as I sank into the couch, closing my eyes for a small nap. The last thing I heard before I drifted off completely was a scuffling somewhere off in the distance.


	7. Chapter 7

it's the final chapter! ;) pleeeeeeease review and tell me if I should write birthdays for all the Akatsuki members! Thanks

Chapter 7

"Happy Birthday!" I sat up groggily and rubbed my eyes. When my eyelid was licked by my overly-eager hand my eyes snapped open.

"Huh?"

"Happy birthday, Derdara-Sempai!" I finally woke up completely to see the Akatsuki gathered around me. Presents sat on the coffee table in front of me and streamers hung from the ceiling.

"Make a wish!" Konan sang, holding a cupcake with one candle on it in front of me. I blew the candle out and wished that the hideout would burn down in an explosion. Konan and Tobi clapped and Pein glared at everyone else until they clapped too.

"Yay! Present time!" Tobi yelled, throwing a pink box on my lap. "Open mine first!" He yelled, staring at me intently from beneath his mask. I opened the pink box slowly and distrustfully. When I peaked into the box the first thing I saw was a whole lot of pink.

What is this, un?" I growled pulling the fabric out of the box. I screamed at what I saw in front of me. "H*** no, un!" I shouted throwing the shirt away from me. The shirt had contained a picture of Tobi and I hugging. I turned on Tobi, popping my knuckles and preparing to beat the tar out of him. I was distracted from beating Tobi into a bloody pulp by a nibble on my fingers.

"Ow, un!" I growled, shaking my hand. I glared at my hand until I noticed that I wasn't the only one glaring. I looked up to see Pein's full fury staring at me. I sat down quickly.

"Next present, please, un." I said, folding my hands in my lap. I separated them when they began licking each other. I turned my attention towards Itachi as he walked up.

"Hn." He said, placing a bag of clay in my lap. I smiled evilly at the clay but didn't say a word to the Uchiha as he went and sat down. Looks like I'm going to have a birthday bang after all. I sneakily slipped a chunk of it into one of my hand's laps. Kisame was walking towards me, holding a green box. Almost ready...I opened the box lazily and pulled out Jaws.

"Thanks, un." Kisame gave me a thumbs-up.

"No problem." That was the last thing anyone said before I threw the bomb on the ground and ran. The blast from the explosion sent me flying and laughing. I rolled for a few feet until I caught myself; looking up to watch the hideout burn to ashes.

"DEIDARA!" I heard Pein yell somewhere in the distance. I smiled.

"Well, at least I got my birthday bang, un."

The End.


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